{"id":464,"date":"2025-12-14T00:04:24","date_gmt":"2025-12-13T19:04:24","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/esselar.uz\/?p=464"},"modified":"2025-12-14T01:30:43","modified_gmt":"2025-12-13T20:30:43","slug":"ibtido-va-intihoning-farqi","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/esselar.uz\/?p=464","title":{"rendered":"Ibtido va intihoning farqi"},"content":{"rendered":"<p style=\"text-align: right;\"><strong>KAMOLIDDIN AZZAMOV<\/strong><\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: right;\"><em>Aziz otajon, Sen yaqinda nega men gapirayotganda seni dahshat bosadi, deya bexosdan so\u02bbrab qolding. Otajon, shunday jang uslubi borki, u nomardlarning jang uslubi \u2013 nayza sanchishga ulgurgan raqib bu bilan cheklanmaydi, balki o\u02bbz mavqeini saqlab qolish uchun o\u02bbsal raqibining qonini ham so\u02bbrib ichadi. Aziz otajon, mana shunday battol raqib bu \u2013 Sen!<\/em><\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: right;\"><strong>Frans Kafka, \u201cOtamga maktub\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Men oynaga qarashdan qo\u2018rqaman. Bunga jiddiy sababim yo\u2018qdir, ehtimol. Shunchaki qo\u2018rquv bu. Aqlimni taniganimdan buyon, mana yillar bo\u2018yi o\u2018zimni suratlardan, turli videoyozuvlardan olib qochishga, hech bir o\u2018rinda qiyofam aks etmasligiga harakat qilganman. Keyin-keyin o\u2018qib-ko\u2018rib tushundimki, fan tilida bu \u201cTo\u2018liqsizlik kompleksi\u201d deb nomlanarkan. Unga ko\u2018ra, inson o\u2018zini shaxs bo\u2018lib shakllanishida nomukammal shakl, deya his etadi, hamisha biror aybi borligini tuyib yashaydi. Uni qanchalar e\u2019tirof etishmasin yoki dalda berishmasin, hatto bu ijobiy baholarni ham soxta, haqiqatdan yiroq va kamsituvchi bir gapdek qabul qiladi.<\/p>\n<p>Men bola ekanman, hali ota \u201cmen\u201di nima ekanini bilmas, hatto bu \u201cmen\u201dning yetishmasligi keltirib chiqaradigan oqibatlardan ham bexabar edim. Atrofimdagi kishilar, o\u2018rtoqlarim o\u2018z oilasidagi u yoki bu mavzuni gapirib, bolalarcha maqtangan bir vaqtda men qaysi burchakka boshimni tiqishni bilolmay karaxt holga tushar, imkon qadar bu davradan tezroq chiqib ketishga, yolg\u2018iz qolib, oxiri ko\u2018rinmaydigan \u201cnega?\u201d savoli bilan ruhimni parchalashga ehtiyoj sezardim. Zotan, hech mahal na aqlda, na mahoratda tengdoshlarimdan oldda bo\u2018lgan men uchun bunday suhbatlar og\u2018ir va og\u2018riqli edi.<\/p>\n<p>\u2026Sof san\u2019at senga o\u2018zingni anglatadigan, borliqni yaxshiroq qabul qilishga, uni yanada teranroq tushunishingga yordam beradigan sehrli bir buyumga o\u2018xshaydi. Teatrshunos Qamariddin Ortiqov sahnalashtirgan \u201cKafka va K\u201d spektakli ham shunday jozibali, sohir bir durdona, ehtimol. Har safar mo\u2018jazgina teaatr binosiga tashrif buyurgan tanishlarim bilan tomosha haqida suhbatlashsam, o\u2018zlari his etgan lazzat aralash qaltiroq, qayg\u2018u va og\u2018riq haqida gapirishadi. Kunlar, haftalar, hatto oylar o\u2018tib ham men ko\u2018zyoshi ta\u2019mini lablarimga anglatgan kundagi his hali yodimdan chiqmagani kabi, suhbatdoshlarimning nutqida ham ana shunday bir iztirobnishin kayfiyatni ilg\u2018ab qolaman.<\/p>\n<p>Ko\u2018p ulug\u2018 va hasratli ijodkor Frans Kafkaning \u201cOtamga xat\u201d asari asosida sahnalashtirilgan bu tomosha ana shunday yukli kayfiyat, og\u2018ir o\u2018ylarni o\u2018zining ortidan nigohlarga, undan yuraklarga ko\u2018chirib ketadi.<\/p>\n<p>Aktyorning titrayotgan qo\u2018llari, idora qilib bo\u2018lmas g\u2018ussasi va bir insonni unutmoq uchun tayyorlangan qahva kabi achchiq xotiralar so\u2018zlashi hayotning turli savdolarini ko\u2018raverib ko\u2018zlari pishib ketgan, ichi allaqachonlar tuyg\u2018ular mozoristoniga aylanib bo\u2018lgan har qanday kishini ham oxirsiz hasrat qudug\u2018iga uloqtiradi. Bunda inson qularkan o\u2018zining hayotini, hali dunyoda yaxshilikka umid bor, deya kutgan damlarini, ilk bor haqiqatdan xabar topganida his etgan bo\u2018shlig\u2018ini, birinchi marta o\u2018ziga ko\u2018z tikkan birining ishonchini sindirganida tuygan vijdon azobini, har safar qayg\u2018u darvozasi yonida yelkalarini nochor quchib, o\u2018z-o\u2018zini yupatganini ko\u2018radi. Bu manzara, ehtimol, bori odam bolasiga yoqmas. Men bu tasvirda qop-qora bo\u2018shliqni va undan hech qachon yuqoriga chiqa olmasligimni ko\u2018raman, ochig\u2018i.<\/p>\n<p>Bir safar ayam qo\u2018shnilar bilan ziyoratgohdan qaytgach, uydagi javonga bitta pichoqni qo\u2018yib qo\u2018ydi va \u201cBu \u2013 otangniki. Tegmanglar. Uyning erkagining o\u2018z pichog\u2018i bo\u2018lgani yaxshi\u201d deb tayinladi. Pichoqqa tegindik, albatta. Asosan, palov tayyorlayotganimda shu pichoqda sabzi to\u2018g\u2018rar, go\u2018sht maydalardim. Pichoq sirtidagi \u201cFalonchi akaga\u201d degan yozuvga sabzi to\u2018g\u2018ramlari oralab yoki qonli et ichida tez-tez ko\u2018zim tushardi. \u201cFalonchi aka\u201d esa biz uchun olis O\u2018rusiyada ishlar (har holda ayam bot-bot \u201cOtang siz uchun o\u2018sha yerlarda yuribdi\u201d deb turardi), kech kuzda qaytib, bahorning yarmidan yana begona tuproqqa mehnat uchun ketardi. Shodligidan qayg\u2018usi, kunidan tuni uzun qish kunlari esa yuragim \u201cotam yana ichib kelmasmikan, ichgan bo\u2018lsa, yaxshigina mast bo\u2018lgan bo\u2018lsinda, kelib darrov uxlay qolardi yo bu safar ham \u201cHaqorat maktabi\u201dning \u201cbepul mashg\u2018ulotlari\u201ddan bahramand bo\u2018larkanmizmi?\u201d degan savol bilan maromidan oshib, hadik ichida gupurlardi.<\/p>\n<p>Endi eslasam, bizdagi ota \u201cmen\u201di ayamning gaplari va otamning dag\u2018dag\u2018alari ichida tug\u2018ilib-tug\u2018ilmay, yetilib-yetilmay o\u2018lgan ekan. Bugun o\u2018zimni murda kabi sovuq, jonsiz va ruhsiz his etarkanman, hech qanday achinish, koyinish va o\u2018kinch tuymayotganim ba\u2019zan o\u2018yga, ba\u2019zan vijdon azobiga soladi. O\u2018ylab qolaman: agar yetim bo\u2018lganimda shunday kechinmalar o\u2018tarmidi ichimdan yoki bundan battarroq qismat boshimga tusharmidi? Bilmayman. Bilishga-da xohish qolmagan ortiq. Bilganim \u2013 bu jamiyat uchun yot fikrda ulg\u2018ayib qolganim, o\u2018zbek degan millatning qonida xarom luqma kabi aylanib, chiqib keta olmay, sarson bo\u2018layotganim, bamisli oq qarg\u2018adek.<\/p>\n<p>Teatrning o\u2018rtasida aktyor o\u2018zini bo\u2018g\u2018ib, do\u2018ppi bilan yuziga urdi. Nega monospektaklda odam o\u2018zini bunaqa qiynashi kerak? Axir shu gaplarni biroz tinchroq, ammo yanada ta\u2019sirliroq qilib hikoya qilishi mumkin emasmidi? Ehtimol\u2026 Lekin bu hol mening ko\u2018z oldimga ayam bilan gaplashib bo\u2018lib (oila a\u2019zolarimdan faqat ayam bilan qo\u2018ng\u2018iroqlashib turaman o\u2018zi) kechalari uyqusizlikdan uzun-uzun o\u2018ylar iskanjasida vijdon otliq bir bezovta itga ruhimni talanishini keltiradi. Tag\u2018inam, kim bilsin. Boshqalar tugul, hatto o\u2018z akam yoki ukam men kabi fikrlamas. Ular men o\u2018zimni ortiqcha savollar bilan band qilganim kabi band qilmagandirlar o\u2018zini. Bilmayman, bilishni-da istamayman.<\/p>\n<p>Xayr. Seans tugadi. Men tomoshagohdan otilib chiqib ketgach, o\u2018pkamni bosib olib, ortga qaytganimda hamma ijodkorlarni olqishlayotgan bo\u2018ladi. Ammo mo\u2018jazgina tomoshagohga kirib, uning muhitidan hayratga to\u2018lgan ko\u2018zlar o\u2018rnini endi tumanli va g\u2018ussanok nigohlar egallagan bo\u2018ladi. Ibtido va intihoning farqi shu. Xayr, xayr, xayr\u2026<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>KAMOLIDDIN AZZAMOV Aziz otajon, Sen yaqinda nega men gapirayotganda seni dahshat bosadi, deya bexosdan so\u02bbrab qolding. Otajon, shunday jang uslubi borki, u nomardlarning jang uslubi \u2013 nayza sanchishga ulgurgan raqib bu bilan cheklanmaydi, balki o\u02bbz mavqeini saqlab qolish uchun o\u02bbsal raqibining qonini ham so\u02bbrib ichadi. Aziz otajon, mana shunday battol raqib bu \u2013 Sen! Frans [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":467,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"om_disable_all_campaigns":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"tdm_status":"","tdm_grid_status":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[31,30],"tags":[96,54,95],"class_list":{"0":"post-464","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-bosh-sahifa","8":"category-muharrir-tanlovi","9":"tag-dada","10":"tag-esse","11":"tag-kamoliddin-azzamov"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/esselar.uz\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/464","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/esselar.uz\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/esselar.uz\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/esselar.uz\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/esselar.uz\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=464"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/esselar.uz\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/464\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":466,"href":"https:\/\/esselar.uz\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/464\/revisions\/466"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/esselar.uz\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/467"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/esselar.uz\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=464"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/esselar.uz\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=464"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/esselar.uz\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=464"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}